Hiver::冬天::ווינטער::ふゆ::Winter

As the seasons usually do, winter crept up on me slowly quietly, bursting into a flurry of rain and fog. Ironically, this is what they call a mild winter. Being a person of the tropics, i haven't lived through enough winters in my life to write it off as just another definite aspect of life like the sun rising. The cold has sent me into some kind of torpor. But my mind is working at a million miles an hour, not even the howling North wind can drown out my thoughts. First things first, since it's the end of the year once again, I write THE LIST.

THE LIST is a list of top ten things i want to do and the top 10 countries i would like to visit. Some things have been there forever, still waiting to be done and some have been done and some will always be there because they are always in progress. So every year there are new things, i've been writing THE LIST since 2001 and i never ever show it to anyone except momo. He prints it out and keeps this list in his wallet.

Some of these countries like brazil have been there for the longest time... so much so that i am beginning to wonder if i will ever go there. I like to think that i have a whole lifetime ahead of me before i get too old to go there. But that's just me taking life for granted.

I started writing the list because of the belief that it helps me to put things into perspective. And because i don't want ever to realise that at the moment i am dying, my takeaway is going to be one of regret, of what-ifs. This is also why at my ripe old age, i have only one regret in life. There are a million things that a person can do in a lifetime. It doesn't matter what a person chooses to do as long as they are true to his/her heart, to his/her being.

Sometimes i feel like i am leading two separate lives. While life in singapore is like summer, life in israel is like winter. Two polarities, two complete opposites. In singapore, i'm out all the time meeting friends, going to work, doing a whole range of different things. My life is filled with activity and endless chatter, things happening, endless conversations until the sun come up. There is always the buzz and excitement of life like the restlessness of a teenager. In israel, however, it's pure country living, i'm surrounded by peace and silence. I feel like a senior citizen, living the twilight years in solitude musing about the meaning of life, painting, reading, writing. Yep here i feel like a very satisfied old fool with all the time in the world. Both lives complement each other because without each one, the other would soon get old and boring and worst of all, routine.

All through my boyhood, I had a profound conviction that I was no good. That i was wasting my time, wrecking my talents, behaving with monstrous folly and wickedness and ingratitude – and all this, it seemed was inescapable, because I lived among laws which were absolute, like the law of gravity, but which it was not possible for me to keep.
- George Orwell, A Collection of Essays

Perhaps i've always let my life beat to its own rhythm and in doing so have actually allowed it to crystallise into rigid structures that i find hard to break out of. I still feel like i can't stay in a place for more than 3 months. And when i look back i really haven't stayed in a place for more than 3 months. Only twice in the past 6 years have i stayed in one place for more than 3 months. once when i stayed 11 months at a stretch in goa, and the second time when i was studying, i stayed in singapore for 6 months. The situation of needing to be with momo is also a huge contributing factor.

No it's not that i am running from something or that i am looking for something. I've come to realise that i am happy wherever i am. I love to travel, it's just that. i often wonder if maybe i love it too much... if i don't travel, i start to feel that i am missing out on life. It brings change and connection to the entity i will call the world. Of course, it also never fails to imbue me with a sense of what it means to be living on this beautiful planet - the myriad of cultures and music and colour that humanity has to offer, the friendships made, the smiles exchanged and the bliss of experiencing everything life has to offer.

The number one thing on my Christmas wishlist is an air ticket to brazil. Hahaha of course it's not going to fall out of the sky... if i want something, i just have to work for it, plain and simple.

To the ones who dance with me; with whom i have watched the sun rise and set; who have enriched my life and brought laughter to my days, to the ones whom i keep in my heart always. Here's to a great year, to transcend ourselves, to live the dream, to breathe and live love. I love you all as much as life itself.

So until the winter is over, when i will see you again. Love, peace & light

环游世界 我家在心里

叉燒包
誰愛吃剛出籠的叉燒包
誰愛吃剛出籠的叉燒包
還有那蓮蓉包呀豬油包呀魚翅包豆沙包應有盡有

廣東包
假使你做你不愛吃廣東包
還有那各式各樣上海包
讓我來告訴你有生煎饅頭大肉包小籠饅頭菜肉包

好朋友
你到底愛吃那一樣
你到底愛吃那一樣
那一樣
廣東包呀上海包呀廣東包呀上海包呀

廣東包
有的人他們愛吃廣東包
有的人他們愛吃上海包
朋友呀到底愛吃廣東包呀上海包呀廣東包呀上海包呀

我最愛吃是叉燒包（叉燒包）



Ah huh 我最愛吃是叉燒包. So miss singapore food... tang yuan, hae mee, fish ball, my mother's char kway tiao, 炸鱼汤 at maxwell =P~~~~ so hungry!

On harmonies and melodies.

By good grace, i came upon a beautiful piece of music and this lovely piece of writing...

After becoming disillusioned with the rigid structures of classical music and the limitations of rock music, in which he also dabbled, Jeffes became interested in the relative freedom in ethnic music and decided to imbue his work with the same sense of immediacy and spirit.

Describing how the idea of the Penguin Cafe Orchestra came to him, Jeffes said:
“ In 1972 I was in the south of France. I had eaten some bad fish and was in consequence rather ill. As I lay in bed I had a strange recurring vision, there, before me, was a concrete building like a hotel or council block. I could see into the rooms, each of which was continually scanned by an electronic eye. In the rooms were people, everyone of them preoccupied. In one room a person was looking into a mirror and in another a couple were making love but lovelessly, in a third a composer was listening to music through earphones. Around him there were banks of electronic equipment. But all was silence. Like everyone in his place he had been neutralized, made grey and anonymous. The scene was for me one of ordered desolation. It was as if I were looking into a place which had no heart. Next day when I felt better, I was on the beach sunbathing and suddenly a poem popped into my head. It started out 'I am the proprietor of the Penguin Cafe, I will tell you things at random' and it went on about how the quality of randomness, spontaneity, surprise, unexpectedness and irrationality in our lives is a very precious thing. And if you suppress that to have a nice orderly life, you kill off what's most important. Whereas in the Penguin Cafe your unconscious can just be. It's acceptable there, and that's how everybody is. There is an acceptance there that has to do with living the present with no fear in ourselves."



I'm listening to it on repeat! because playing over and over really seems like the only way to go. That uplifting rhythm sends my senses soaring and i can't stop dancing! And the funny thing is i have an inclination that i once heard this song in a friend's car in KL, only to stumble upon it in a completely serendipitous fashion 5 years on. Ah the wonder of music never fails to amaze me! It's like the catalyst to all the wondrous dimensions in my mind. I'm tripping on all the stuff that's going around in the air, the tones of the harmonium dancing around like little fairies flowing to Neverland, whoosh past the open green fields, woosh past the snowy mountains, woosh past the great gorges and the mighty river right out clear to the deepest blue! yes i am high! on life! on music! on air! I'm oh-so-high!

That and my dog loves me =D

Hello Gaia!

I recall a tarot reading my friend Meital did for me about 5 years ago. She was using Osho's Zen Tarot cards, the question on my mind was how would life be for me... and now 5 years later i am reminded of it. These are the cards i got and the interpretation from the book.

EXISTENCE

This naked figure sits on the lotus of perfection, gazing at the beauty of the night sky. She knows that 'home' is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance. The stars, the rocks, the trees the flower, fish and birds - all are our brothers and sisters in this dance of life. We human beings tend to forget this, as we pursue our own private agendas and believe we must fight to get what we need. But ultimately, our sense of separateness is just an illusion, manufactured by the narrow preoccupations of the mind. Now is the time to look at whether you are allowing yourself to receive the extraordinary gift of feeling 'at home' wherever you are. If you are, be sure to take time to savor it so it can deepen and remain with you. If on the other hand you've been feeling like the world is out to get you, it's time to take a break. Go outside tonight and look at the stars.

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you. This gives you a tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all dimensions.

POSTPONEMENT

The woman in this picture is living in a gray landscape, full of unreal, cut out clouds. Through the window frame she can see colors and light and aliveness, and although she would like to move through the frame - as we can see by the rainbow colors appearing in her garment - she can't quite manage to do it. There is still too much 'what-if?' activity in her mind. Tomorrow never comes, they say, but no matter how often it is said, it seems that most of us tend to forget the truth of it. In fact, the one and only result of postpoining things is a dull and depressing feeling of incompletion and 'stuck-ness' today. The relief and expansiveness you will feel once you put aside all the dithering thoughts that are preventing you from acting now will make you wonder why you ever waited so long.

Postponement is simply stupid. Tomorrow you will also have to decide, so why not today? And do you think that tomorrow you will be wiser than today? Do you think that tomorrow you will be livlier than today? Do you think that tomorrow you will be younger than today, fresher than today? Tomorrow you will be older, your courage will be less; tomorrow you will be more experienced, your cunningness will be more; tomorrow death will come closer - you will start wavering and being more afraid. Never postpone for the tomorrow. And who knows? Tomorrow may come or may not come. If you have to decide you have to decide right now.
Dr. Vogel, the dentist, finished his examination on a pretty young patient. "Miss Baseman," he said, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to pull out your wisdom teeth!"
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girl. "I'd rather have a baby!"
"Well," said Dr. Vogel, "could you make up your mind so that I can adjust the chair?"
Make up your mind. Don't go on postponing infinitely.

ALONENESS

When there is no 'significant other' in our lives we can either be lonely, or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings. When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter, or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough even to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends or colleagues. If you are facing such a situation now, be aware of how you are choosing to view your 'aloneness' and take responsibility for the choice you have made. The humble figure in this card glows with a light that emanates from within. One of Gautam Buddha's most significant contributions to the spiritual life of humankind was to insist to his disciples, "Be a light unto yourself." Ultimately, each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide.

When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely - and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state. You are feeling that it would have been fetter if the other was there - your friend, your wife, your mother, your beloved, your husband. It would have been good if the other was there, but the other is not. Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.

COURAGE

This card shows a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks and stones in its path to emerge into the light of day. Surrounded by an aura of bright golden light it exposes the majesty of its tiny self. Unashamed, it is equal to the brightest sun. When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow. The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dnagers will be many. There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of the light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

ADVENTURE

When we are truly in a spirit of adventure, we are moving just like this child. Full of trust, out of the darkness of the forest into the rainbow of the light, we go step by step, drawn by our sense of wonder into the unknown. Adventure really has nothing to do with plans and maps and programs and organization. The Page of Rainbows represents a quality that can come to us anywhere - at home or in the office, in the wilderness or in the city, in a creative project or in our relationships with others. Whenever we move into the new and unknown with the trusting spirit of a child, innocent and open and vulnerable, even the smallest things of life can become the greatest adventures.

Zen says truth has nothing to do with authority, truth has nothing to do with tradition, truth has nothing to do with the past - truth is a radical, personal realization. You have to come to it. Knowledge is certain; the search for personal knowing is very, very hazardous. Nobody can guarantee it. If you ask me if I can guarantee anything, I say I can not guarantee you anything. I can only guarantee danger, that much is certain. I can only guarantee you a long adventure with every possibility of going astray and never reaching the goal. But one thing is certain: the very search will help you grow. I can guarantee only growth. Danger will be there, sacrifice will be there; you will be moving every day into the unknown, into the uncharted, and there will be no map to follow, no guide to follow. Yes, there are millions of dangers and you can go astray and can get lost, but that is the only way one grows. Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow.

When i was 20, i always felt like the woman looking out the window. I was always looking out the window wishing i was somewhere else. Full of wanderlust, this led me to travel, but three months into a place and i was already looking to go somewhere else, like i was looking for something but never finding it. My mother says that i treat my home like a hotel, come in whenever i like, go whenever i like. But the truth of the matter was, i was looking for something, i was chasing something, i was missing something. I wanted to see the world, to try everything, i thought i wasn't happy with things around me, but i came to realise that i wasn't happy with myself. I felt trapped in Singapore, i felt that everything in singapore is lame. The beach is reclaimed, the people so kiasu, all they care about is money, face, 5Cs, achieve this achieve that, earn more money. I felt nobody could understand me, they think i am spoilt, irresponsible, lazy. And this made me angry, i used to feel angry that nobody was willing to accept me as i am. And then i felt guilty that i was not up to par, that i did not fulfil my responsibilities to my parents. And i felt seperate from everybody around me because i felt so different from everyone else.

Now home is wherever i am, because home is where the heart is. Momo is also home, my family is also home. I am no longer chasing something and thus i am happy wherever i am. because i am happy with myself. And in return, i have come to appreciate everything in life more. I am happy to be singaporean, i am proud to be chinese and most of all, i am happy to be human and alive in this world. Like me, everyone else is figuring out how to live. They go about their lives as best as they can. The seperatedness i felt, like a black sheep among a herd of white ones is gone. Singapore is as beautiful as any place i have ever been, and more than that it holds all the memories of my identity.

When i look out the window now, i see rolling hills and hear birds chirping and dogs barking. And if i like, i could step out into the sun with the birds and dogs and the grass underneath my feet. The Zen you bring up a mountain is the same zen you had at the bottom of the mountain. So whether it is grass or asphalt under my feet, i'm glad i feel it.

How and when did it happen? Think this tarot card says it very well and from one of my favourite books no less.


This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Friedrich Nietzsche in his book, Thus Spake Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels of Camel, Lion and Child. The camel is sleepy, dull, self-satisfied. He lives in delusion, thinking he's a mountain peak, but really he is so concerned with others' opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own. Emerging from the camel is the lion. When we realize we've been missing life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth. But this is not the end. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being. Whatever the space you're in right now - sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious - be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.

and that is why i was so much older then, i'm younger than that now. Through living, i've grown and i continue to grow now everyday. yes there were hard times and yes there will be dark times but we can grow from it. And it is precisely this that makes life worth living. The more i live true to my being , the happier I am and the more life is an adventure.

Creativity needs space

I am an intensely private person.

nobody will believe this about me since the face I present is all cheery, floozy and happy. To most people, I am just a happy-go-lucky airhead. It's a good thing that i don't say everything i think because some of my thoughts are better kept as thoughts... i learnt early on in life that sometimes it is necessary to spare people's feelings...

as an introvert, i need ample space and alone time to recharge. Being around too many people twenty four seven drives me up the wall... it's got nothing to do with the people really... it's just me... it's really unnerving... to have people asking me this and that... and fussing over this and that, talking talking so much talking about nothing. When surrounded by people all the time, i start getting a short fuse... cos sometimes all i really want is to be left alone. this is why i love the anonymity i have among a sea of heads, it is also why sometimes my room is the only place i want to be in... i just need a little peace and quiet.

Yet on some days, i yearn for a deep connection and i feel incredibly mean and self-centered for having such little patience with my friends or feeling irritated with them. In such situations, it's best if i just remove myself away from them.

there is only one person in this world with whom i can just be myself - totally, absolutely. In a natural state...

when i do not speak, it's not because i am unhappy. Perhaps i am internalising things or thinking about something or i would just like to be quiet. I might not say a lot but i feel a lot... and i learnt that there are some people whom i like very much as people but with whom i am unable to find any sort of fulfilling connection. And i don't know if it is because of the things i don't say or because of the things that i say that ruin everything.

Here is a guide on how to care for your introvert
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

No music no life

YAY!!

Yesterday, I finally got to see Infected Mushroom. They are a psychedelic trance(for lack of a better term) duo from Israel now based in LA. I think i was so excited to see them because firstly it's a kind of music i love, possibly the first time ever that psy trance djs play in zouk and secondly they are from israel.... and this reminds me so much of momo. The show was so KICK ASS... I don't understand why zouk doesn't bring in more psychedelic trance djs. i'll take 142bpms of pure mystical adrenaline over monotonous four-to-the floor beats anytime. And best of all, lots of my friends were there, and though we were sweaty and hoarse at the end of it, I couldn't be happier.

Shucks it wasn't even until Infected mushroom became a big name that zouk brought them in... but infected mushroom has been making great music for years, also pioneering psy trance with classical music. Everything in singapore is so commercialised... it makes me sick... everything is about making money... waiting for the next pay check. There's just no mojo here... i mean gravity makes the world go round not money...

After that first time in Goa, my life changed in a sense... I didn't like clubs anymore, i hated house music(so bloody slow) and i generally hated that there was a ceiling over my head blasting CO2 down my head. Clubs become something that i only went to because my friends were there. I hated how everyone's trying to look cool, wearing the lastest fashions, trying to be picked up, hanging out in members. I doubt it's even about the music or the dance or having a connection with the people around because the music is so great.

This is why certain parties are so great because of the music, because life is a celebration, because for those few hours, the only feeling is one of ecstacy, of hearts beating as one, of big smiles, group hugs, the perfect motion of dance. AND most of all... i know this sounds so cheesy... but most all... a connection to the world. I remember parties like these =)

In case you are wondering what exactly is the motion of dance, watch this video. And check out the perfect motion of dance from 2:50 on

See deep enough and you see musically; the heart of nature being everywhere music. - Thomas Carlyle

I don't care what old-timers say about Goa changing and shit like that... it changed my life. It introduced me to an exciting, melodic sort of music that wakes me up, draws me deep in and gives me dancing feet. It showed me things into my mind that i've never seen before. It showed me the kind of party i loved the most among trees with chai mamas and all sorts of wondrous creatures. And it was there that i met a certain jewish boy with black hair and blue eyes. In more ways than one, that time in Goa revolutionised my life.

Even though my love affair with Goa has changed tremendously, i still miss the ghost of sirius, the paddy fields, the hundreds of motorcycles parked outside hilltop. The heart-thumping i feel before i enter a party, like my heart's gonna burst. I miss the monsoon and that seventies glow on anjuna beach. It will always remain in my memories as a revolution, as an awakening to things that i only dreamed about before. But even great things cannot last forever, and all things change. Goa is different from when we were first there... but for me it will always be like a first love... there are still loads of places to explore... but it will always have a special place in my heart.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

momo, i'm coming home.

The End of Silence

come with me and we'll talk of sunsets, of days that passed, of pigs crossing the road, the tightest embrace, of volkwagen vans, the big' ol blue, surfing and rainbows, of no-selfs, 11 dimensions, and deep ecology, of all sorts of pills, coca cola, of tea and tea, of keraouc, kant, huxley, lennon, of birds, flight, and what we could do with giant peacock feathers, of cigarettes, smoke and brownian motion, of your kind eyes and how the world crashes all around your face, of running away, sitting down and taking off, of laughing, crying and dying, of enlightenment, communism and post-modernism, of history, time and space, of first kisses, chills down our spines and takeaways, of raves, eyelashes and the perfect motion of dance, of couches, colour and wide open windows that we could fall out of, of haight-ashbury, 1969 and LSD, of suffragette, martin luther king and world hunger, of how we are one, a singularity, of energy, love, peace and light. It doesn't matter who we are or where we've been or what we say... all the time living and dying, evolving and changing, writing, buying, speaking, running to fill up the mass void of our minds.....

when the one who left us here returns for us at last, we are but a moment's sunlight fading in the grass.

Yun loves the feel of soft grass under her feet.